Well God Damn It

It seems these days the only way to get money it so metaphorically take it in the ass. Or non-metaphorically depending on your morals and standards. I draw the line at 3 fingers personally. Anyways, most of the people I know and talk to really just detest thier jobs, but stick with it anyways because money is the key to survival. Take my jobfor instance. The people are awesome, I can handle that, but the management and the job itself is about a 3 mile high stack of bull manure. I also happen to work two jobs, both of which now consist of working between the hours 5PM and 6AM, depending on the job and location. So as you can see, I have no social life, hence this blog. Mind you it is Thursday night/Friday morning. Not much else I would be doing otherwise. Most likely sitting on my front porch yelling at racial minorities with a bottle of Jack at my side. Now, back tot he pointof this tale. Work. Why can't it all jsut be easy and well paying? Because then the rich money mongers of the world would be equal to us down here on the bottom of the soical food chain and thus making them superior. So they make all the jobs that machines could easily do (but don't because Terminator taught us better) just so that they can spend thier hard earned money to watch us lower class folk squiggle and squirm and squish and squawk while we do menial jobs and hard labour filled with dishwater, yelling, forklifts and Filipeno men. That is not a racist comment, that is just an observation. So far, every job I have worked in the past 5 years has been with or around Filipeno's. They're fuckin everywhere.

However, all this could just be something that I have cooked up in my painkiller fogged mind at the moment.

Has anyone ever told you how awesome painkillers are? They kill pain, and if you take them all the time you don't feel pain anymore! But once you stop the pain comes back. Daddy doesn't like the pain. Pain my Daddy angry.

You can call me Daddy.

Fuck These Things

Some things have recently come to my attention that I think need addressing. Firstly, today I went to a little All You Can Eat Sushi place. The food, delicious, the service, shit. Why? Well I am pretty sure it was because it was 4 white males going out for some delicious and well made sushi. I don't see whities disrespecting yellowfaces when they come into our Restaurants an eat our cuisine. All I wanted was some good food and good times. Well... I did get that... but the waiter was a fucking dick. And a big one at that, which is surprising for someone like him. (That was a shot at his tiny asian manhood.)

Secondly is elections. I don't vote. I don't see a need to. There are how many people here in Canada? Exactly, let them decide who runs our country. I highy doubt that my one vote will make a fucking difference. And if it does, well then sorry for fucking our country over? I dunno... I also don't care. I also also believe that just because I don't vote, I should still be able to complain when the goverment fucks up. Just because I didn't vote, doesn't mean I don't live in Canada and under thier rules. The only thing I could possibly do if I voted is show that there is one person out there that votes for the Lenin-Marxist party, or the Green party. So if I vote for one of them and they don't win do I still get a say? All I'm trying to say is that whether I vote or not, it won't fucking matter to anyone.

Thirdly... Chicago can suck my fucking dick.

Nature Walks and Nuts and Bolts.

Two of my favourite things. And you should like them too if you know what's good for ya. One keeps you healthy and the other is... um... a necessity in life... I s'pose. Well, think if the things we wouldn't have if there were no nuts and no bolts. Uh, there wouldn't be...umm... sturdy foundations all across the world! Or! Or we would have one less reference for the male genetalia! Or even... nothing to play with on a lonely saturday night. Take that last one however you want... I won't judge you.

Nature walks however, much more useful. Possibly... sturdy foundation is a hard competitor. Anyways, I find these Nature Walks to be one of the most relaxing things on Earth. It allows your brain to just kinda... wander. I mean, who knows what you'll find? Some wildlife perhaps? Or maybe a tree that's hollowed out for a treefort! Awesome right?! Fuck! Totally! Anyways. You could even discovera world where everything is wierd, and a little backwards, and when you step forward, you move backwards, kinda like Moonwalking. And as you are walking you see little creatures start popping out of the trees! Oooh! Delightful! No. They are foaming at the mouth and are thirsty for blood. And yours is the freshest. This Summer. Get ready for Race For Life Or Die. Where 6 contestants of differing racial sterotypes run from New York to L.A. against the most vicious creatures the minds of George Lucas, Mikihil Bay (Mike's Russian Equivalent and Cousin) and M. Night Shyamalan could muster. Starring: Vin Diesel as the caucasian no nonsense baddie with a heart of gold. Morgan Freeman as the old bluesy type african american who is tended by his grateful, yet gangster, son, played by Nick Cannon. Jackie Chan as the tourist from China who just ended up in this situation by random happenstance. Freddy Rodriguez is the down on his luck gambler with a wife and kid to feed. This race could change his life forever. And Gerry Bednob, the wise Hindi Mystic who aids all through thier troubles. Coming Summer 2023!

Or it's just exercise. Up to you really. That is all. Props go to the person who can make the best poster for that movie.

I Wanna Fight A Boss

So I just completed Tomb Raider: Underworld, and I couldn't help but notice that you didn't really fight a boss at the end. Sure you go through a series of puzzles to destroy the support beams of Jörmungandr and then throw Mjolnir (Thor's Hammer) at the boss in a cutscene thus killing her, but you don't actually fight her. I have also noticed that many games these days have that. For instance, Uncharted: Drake's Fortune, you fight the boss in a button pressing cutscene, only to watch him die in another cutscene, as well as Gears of War 2. I wouldn't even consider that a boss battle. You are in a helicopter shooting at an infected Brumak, and in about 2 minutes, he's done, adn then, in a cuscene (surprise surprise!) he blows up. Whatever happened to the games of ol' when you would have to take your time and fill your mortal enemy full of lead and/or steal. Resident Evil 5 and the God of War franchise are good examples. Bot had excellent(allbeit hard) boss battles. And that's the way it should be.

I'm also sick of lead characters in games not being able to speak or say anything, and Nintendo is famous for this. Mario: "Ha-ha" "It'sa me, a-Mario!" "Here we gooooo!"
Link: "Ha!" "Heh" "Eeee-YA!"
Ash (from the games): "..."

What the fuck guys. I can understand for the older games, but don't you think that Link would say at least one sentence in his whole 3 year journey to find the Master Sword? Or that Mario would say "Fuck you Peach, I'm higher than a kite! I am NOT gonna fight a giant lizard while talking to a bunch of mushrooms...woah..." Or that maybe, just maybe, Ash would have the courage to talk outside of battles?

Ok, so Nintendo characters are incapable of speech, I'll live with that. But why can't the manly motherfucker from Viking: Battle for Asgard speak. He's a man. A beefy head chopping peasent raping man. And Overlord from Overlord, he doesn't speak. But I assume that's just because he's so pwerfully lazy that he let's his mionions speak for him. At least Caim from Drakengard has a legitamate reason for not being able to speak. It just annoys me that a company won't put in the effort to make a character more rounded. I find that speech helps alot, although Nintendo has done a good job without it. But what can I do. I'm jsut a lonely, pathetic, blogger addicted to masturbation and cocaine that can't type "just" right unless I slow down and take the time to do it...

So how bout them Mets huh?

Watching Watchers Watch Watchmen

SO I finally got around to seeing Watchmen and I must say, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I had only heard good things about it and it wasn't too overhyped for me like 300 was. I had heard just enough to not spoil my excitment or push it over the edge. In fact I think the few moments I had heard about it is what made it more entertaining. Plus, having read the graphic novel helped too. I could sit there and say (to myself in my head, I ain't one of them theatre talking motherfuckers) "I remember that!" and "Ooo this part is coming up" and "Malin Akerman needs to teach every woman how to have sex like her."

The parts they left out were understandably left out. Certain elements could not be transfered from the book to the film. However, the Black Frieghter comic was released as an animated short and features Gerard (Gerry) Butler as The Mariner. I haven't found it yet. Mind you I also haven't looked at all. But I'm sure numerous amount of pirating websites have it somewhere... pirate pun not intended. And without spoiling it for people that read this blog... even though I have 2 followers at this point and both of them have seen it... I would like to say that the ending in the movie is different from the book... and it is a much better ending. The message is still the same and it's the same basic premise. They just do it a little differently. I'll jsut say an alien isn't involved.

Now, back to Malin Akerman. Holy fucking fuck. The "Archie Sex Scene" is possibly the closest to straigt up porn I have ever seen. In a theatre. It's just so... fucking awesome. The moves that girl makes are angelic and demonically sinful at the same time. Sam and Dean would have a hayday with her. Any men would. Myself included.

I also really enjoyed how they did the timeline. In the book there are alot of back and forth shifts though time, and reading the book I thought "Hmmm, is that gonna work in the movie" and it did... everytime. Everything worked. It's a solid film and the soundtrack is awesome. Especially "Hallelujah" playing during the Archie Sex Scene. Perfection. I was nearly screaming "Hallelujah". Don't worry, you haven't heard that last of my love of that scene. It should pop up at least once more in this post.

The gore was pretty good. I always enjoy a healthy dose of violence and Watchmen had just enough to satisfy my bloody needs without making it unreakistic in the realm of the movie. However. If Dr. Manhattan can do ANYTHING why can't he just gently lay his victims does to sleep and make thier heart stop. Do they all need to be splattered over the ground and an epic spatter of human remains? The answer is yes. Any persons who disagree shall be dealt with. I'm not sure how or when... but someday you shall recieve your come uppins.

Jeffery Dean Morgan was perfectly cast as The Comedian. I only really knew him as Papa John Winchester in Supernatural (2 references in one post... erie) and enjoyed him in that. Watchmen has just re-enforced that enjoyment. Patrick Wilson was also very well cast. Slightly skinnier than the Dan Dreiberg from the book but who cares right? *Cut to a gaggle of geeks, nerds, fanatics and wannabe costumed heroes rioting on thier blogs about how Dan Dreiberg was 10 pounds lighter in the movie than in the book*

Malin Akerman... needs to work more. In a bedroom... mine.

Billy Crudup. Apparently he's been in alot, and apparently I have seen him in alot. But Dr. Manhattan is most likely the role I will remember him as. I really liked him in Watchmen. I always heard Manhattan's voice as a deep powerful boom. I dunno why, it's just the voice I attatched to that face. Well, I was wrong. And in fact glad I was. The calm demeanor that Manhattan has throughout theentire movie is absolutely phenominal.

Jackie Earl Haley, sir, if you ever read this, I am speechless. Your performance was so sharp and clean that I actually did not find anything spectacular to say about it. You said it all already by perfecting that role.

It was cool to see the neighbour dad from "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" as Moloch. He hasn't been in anything since, well, "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids." Other pleasenty unknown actors in this movie, one Robert Wisden as Richard Nixon, Sonya Salomaa as Veidt's assisstant and Me. Yeah, I was in it. Well... kinda... If you close your eyes and just put my face on Patrick Wilson's during the Archie Sex Scene then I am... that's what I did. Worked fine for me. Not so much for the guy in front of me though. And the reason I mention the other two is to brag that I have connections to both, in fact I was taught by one. But who? I'll let you guess... you never guess who he is. He's a good actor though. He did a good job playing Nixon. But you'll never know.

Finally, Malin Akerman is hot and I want inside of her. If her and Scarlett Johansson ever appear on screen together... I will not be a ble to exsist in the same room as that occuring. My heads would explode, immediately followed by a severe implosion causing anti-matter and thus destroying the Vatican. And yes, Angels and Demons is based of that very fact.

An Apology

To Mr. Patrick Swayze. And this isn't so much to say "I'm sorry" as it is to say that I too admire him and his acting skills. The tasteless joke was just my way of saying "Hang in there... like Micheal Hutchence."

You see, Swayze has been in classic movies that molded our lives. Well... it was more our parents' teen generation. But Dirty Dancing, Road house, and the SNL Chippendale skit with Chris Farley are all staples in the entertainment industry. Black Dog is wicked too... Meat Loaf, Randy Travis... bitchin. So there really is no reason for me to dislike this man. If anything I look up to him. Not as much as some other people, but look up nonetheless.

Micheal Hutchence... died hanging trying to jerk off. Sounds stupid. Until you hear the "scientific" version. Auto-erotic Asphixiation. Alliteration's are automatically badass. Thus making his death sad, yet badass.

So hopefully you all accept my "apology" and keep reading. I wouldn't of written this if it wasn't for someone saying that the Swayze comment was a little "not cool" to some that may not know my humor. Well, it's tasteless and raunchy and mostly offensive. With a little dry wit and childish jokes.

This is fucking gay.

Belt Buckles Galore!

As some of ye may know, I am a fond believer in belt buckles. And by fond believer, I mean, I like to collect ones that appeal to me. For instance, I now own 8. That is 7 more than most people. I would consider that a collection, allbeit small. Now, there are some "collections" out there that befuddle me. Take Harry C. Thistles Shoehorn Collection for example. Who needs 432+ Shoehorns. Stamps are cool because some have interesting and historical pictures on them. Bugs are cool becuase they are fucking bugs. And belt buckles are awesome because they are not only delightful accessories, but they are also a good way to tell what kind of person that is. Me for instance, I have 2 musical belt buckles, a Johnny Cash and a Rolling Stones, a Nintendo Classic controller, a skull pirate, a Batman symbol, a Joker card, a MILF buckles, and one that just straight up says "FUCK"

That is basically me in 8 items. All that's needed now is an Anti-Celebent-Yet-Still-Not-Getting-Any buckle and a Thumbs Up™ buckle and my collection is closer to completion, yet far from complete. This post is basically a Quest, for anyone who can find these buckles for me. They will be rewarded with a "Thank You" and a generous sum of money, depending on how much I have at the time. Do not expect more than 10% over the buying price. If you do, you will be shot. Not at that moment, but sometime in the future, when you least expect it. Don't bother trying to protectyourself. I have minions everywhere. Your sister? I can control her. Parents? Robots. Your third cousin Sammy S. Sampson? My alias. You have no possible escape. Unless you are me.

On another much lighter note, does anyone else notice how sick Patrick Swayze looks? Does he have Cancer or something? He looks like he has Pancreatic Cancer. Just something about him.



Sorry, was that in bad taste?